When we have a choice

Walking in darkness presents us with few options from which to choose.  We see no doors leading us to the light when we are in darkness.  We feel our way through as we search for hope.  This experience may somewhat feel as if we are lost in time. 

In the darkness of my experience of a dual disorder, I felt as if I had no choice as to how to live my life.  The darkness for me was the active experience of symptoms of chemical dependency and psychiatric illness.  The combination of these two disorders overpowered my ability to discover and choose options for ways to improve the inner-quality of my life. Though I had been presented with options in the midst of acting out on symptoms of chemical dependency and experiencing active symptoms of psychiatric illness, I found myself unable to take the right action to lead me from the darkness.  I felt as if I was bound to experience the life I was living, bound by unhealthy patterns in my life that took on unmanageable proportions, dominating my day-to-day living.

The darkness I experienced subtly began to lift when I came to acknowledge my life would not get better until I made a solid choice as to how to receive the help I needed.  Commitments had been half-heartedly made many times in the past.  However, this time I knew the time had arrived to make a solid and concrete commitment to begin recovery.  If I was to continue as I had been living, I knew my future would simply be filled with more days of little meaning, purpose, and direction. 

I have heard experiences of individuals in recovery describe their bottoms as homelessness, being financially drained, and being physically damaged from alcohol and other intoxicating drug use combined with symptoms of a psychiatric or emotional illness.  I experienced none of these outward indicators that my bottom had been hit. However, I experienced an emotional bottom which I felt as hard and solid as I imagine being homeless, financially drained, and physically damaged must feel. 

My emotional bottom was filled with despair that, despite countless efforts to change the course of my life, I could not take the right action in order to create a new path for my life to follow.  I seemed to keep ending up in the same emotional condition and situation over and over again, no matter how hard I felt I tried.  I was in despair.  I had a deep desire to find a different way to live.  I did not know such a commitment would yield the fruits I have found today.  I simply wanted to stop feeling the emotional pain as I lived in a bottomless pit of despair from the experience of psychiatric illness and chemical dependency.

The opportunity to recover was offered to me in a particular 12 Step meeting where I found myself.  The topic of the 12 Step meeting was gratitude.  This was not my first 12 Step meeting, and I had become accustomed to not raising my hand when the meeting chair asked if it is anyone’s first 24 hours.  I simply wanted to continue to participate in the meeting as someone with a desire to abstain from alcohol and other intoxicating while I as well had a desire to manage my psychiatric illness in a healthy and constructive manner. 

Much good was said at this meeting on gratitude.  I had kept it quiet that I had been using intoxicating drugs up to this day until it became my turn to share. 

I opened up my soul, feeling more at ease than I had in some time at 12 Step meetings, and I talked about my gratitude for having an opportunity to find recovery.  I truly and genuinely felt immense gratitude this day as I had the opportunity to recover, and I spoke about the resources available to help me as I expressed my gratitude. 

After talking with other members of the 12 Step meeting after the hour was over, I went home to purge my supply of anything which was intoxicating to me.  I had the opportunity right in front of me.  The choice to recover was now mine to make as I acknowledged deep within myself that I do have the opportunity to take a new path.  I was making the commitment as I rid myself of all intoxicating substances and supplies. 

My experience from this moment forward is similar to many others’ experiences I have witnessed and heard.  I continued to go to 12 Step meetings as I accessed my source of outside support as well.  I developed friendships in the meetings as I went to more than 90 meetings in 90 days.  As well, soon I had found someone with whom I felt comfortable to ask to be a sponsor to me.  I began to truly work the First Step with this sponsor as I pursued recovery.

The rest of the story follows the course of the 12 Steps.  The 12 Steps are the backbone of my recovery.  They hold me together.  The 12 Steps keep me in check.  I believe if I don’t practice the principles of the 12 Steps in all my affairs, I put my dual recovery and serenity in jeopardy.  I am not willing to take that chance.

Dual Recovery becomes an option when we genuinely and honestly acknowledge deep within ourselves that we, too, have the opportunity to improve the inner-quality of our lives.  What is quality of life and how do we improve it?  Quality of life is how we experience ourselves in relation to the world, others about us, and how we experience ourselves in relation to a higher power’s will for our lives.  Our experience can be enhanced as we let go of old, self-defeating ways of living, and we learn new, effective methods of coping and relating to ourselves, others, and a higher power. 

We need not continue to live in darkness where we do not feel the warmth of the light of hope.  If we can find inside ourselves the one right action to lead us on a new path, we have found the opportunity to begin Dual Recovery.  If we can access help in achieving abstinence from alcohol and other intoxicating drugs while we as well manage a psychiatric or emotional illness, we are better equipped to remove the barriers to living our lives to the fullest potential.