I have come to a place in my dual recovery where I realize more than ever the need to surrender deep within my heart. I understand and acknowledge the need to surrender, but the surrender itself must take place within my heart. I have been lucky since my starting my dual recovery over on January 31, 2006. I experienced psychosis while in a dual diagnosis treatment facility when they stripped of the medications which had kept me stable for so long. I have been lucky I lost the desire to use intoxicating drugs ever since ridding myself of the prescribed pain killers I was manipulating my doctor into taking. I have been lucky to achieve, Just for Today, some semblance of stability in my life.
Things are turning around for me. I feel it has to with the results of having taken the Third Step with my sponsor. I feel it has to do with that single Decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power that I have reached this point where I am ready to turn my recovery around.
It has taken some rocky roads to get here. I have struggled with spending addictions, gambling compulsions, and relationship challenges. I am learning more and more everyday how to surrender to my overall powerlessness over my dual disorder and turn things over the care of my Higher Power as I understand Him.
It will take some time for the wreckage to become cleaned up. There are finances to get in order. There is the withdrawal of compulsive gambling. There is the unhealthy patterns created in my significant relationship. I am ready and willing, though, to turn it over to the care of my Higher Power for the sake of quality recovery, inner quality of life, and serenity and an end to chaos in my life. I am ready to take the steps that will lead toward self-sufficiency by once again becoming employable, interviewing for jobs, and doing excellent work in the employment setting.
I have these aspects of recovery in my life before. My last use of drugs for the purpose of intoxication set back the six years and 10 months I had clean and clear thinking. I have reached the only bottom I need to reach. I do not need to go down any further. Relapse is not a prerequisite to attaining dual recovery. I need not engage in out of control spending, compulsive gambling, or unhealthy patterns within my significant relationship. My job is to get out of the way and allow my Higher Power to guide toward solutions in my life.
As I set out to work on the Fourth Step as directed by my sponsor, I want the foundation of recovery to be strong. I want the foundation of recovery to be built on a solid commitment to the first Three Steps. I want the foundation to protect me from the harm I have inflicted myself through acting out on my disease of a dual disorder.
I need not reach a point of desperation. I need not fall so far from the trail that getting on the right path is the only method to freedom. I am on the right path. My self-correcting mechanism is just beginning to shift into full gear. Now, it is up to me to take the action.
Peace,
Andy S.