Reframing My Picture

I used to believe in not defining myself.  I used to believe in mystery.  I used to believe in being nameless.  What went wrong?

I suppose after 10 plus years of therapy, 12 plus years of psychiatry, 5 plus years of 12 Step Fellowship, and patterns of addiction continuing in my life to the present day, I am bound to somewhat have formed some very pathological and institutional views of myself.

Yesterday, I would have recommended to anyone but myself to remember they are not their illness.  Why haven’t I taken this medicine for myself? 

No matter how much I recover and regain my ability to interact with the world about me, I seem to continue to define myself as someone with a psychiatric illness and chemical dependency, a dual disorder.  I know it is time to change the frame around which I display my life.  But how do I do that?

I believe the answer lies in going back to Tabula Rasa.  I am a Blank Slate.  How I choose to etch my life upon this slate is a choice I make every day.  My etching tends to be based on my experience.  Today, my etching will be based on the utilization of Hope.

All I need to recreate in regard to my picture is the frame surrounding those qualities I already possess.  How I package my life is in need of reformatting.

If I met you through a mutual friend yesterday, I may have responded to your inquiry about where I work with, “I was hired in a consumer position with a community mental health agency.  Being a consumer was a requirement when I was hired.”  What a travesty!  How belittling to my skills!  I am now in a one down position.  I have put myself there.

The fact of where I work and what I do is that I am a full fledged employee with a community mental health center.  I am putting a master’s degree in social work to use.  I help people help themselves in regard to recovery from psychiatric illness and chemical dependency.  I also have counseled in regard to eating disorders and other compulsions, such as gambling addiction.  Does not this definition of my role as an employee sound better?  I do not even have to mention I am a provider who is also a consumer.  That type of thinking is what I would call “Andy’s Old School Thinking.”  The time has arrived for the Old School to be overthrown!  Mutiny is taking place on this ship!

When stress occurs, yesterday I would have said, “Stress causes me to experience symptoms of my dual disorder.”  Today, I say, “I had a stressful day and need to take care of myself.”  The difference is not subtle.  The two statements are worlds apart.  Others experience stress just as I do.  There is nothing which makes stress worse in regard to the impact it has on me than it has on others.  Mutiny again!

I am responsible for my behaviors today.  My actions are not a result of having a dual disorder.  My actions are a result of being a human being.  I am a member of the human race who experiences the human condition just as my neighbor to the left or to the right.  I am equal with others whether yesterday I believed it or not.  I am responsible for my behaviors.  Mutiny is changing perception of values, beliefs, and behaviors.  Low and behold, the peasants have no clothes just as the Emperor. 

I am not my disorders.  What a relief to be able to etch my life upon the blank slate of definition every morning I wake.  What a relief to be able to utilize Hope in the definition of my life. 

If I continue to view my life through the glasses of pathology, I will do myself little justice in allowing me to be who I am.  I believe the time is ripe for a change.  I believe the season here, changing the colors of the landscape.  The weather is growing more serene.  No longer do I need to put my self-definition in a tiny little box, prepackaged with labels and stickers defining who I am.  I am formless.  I am nameless. 

If you have been reduced to a definition which can be summarized in a few statements, it is time for mutiny.  Break free from the chains which bind you.  Follow Hope toward opportunity every day to recreate life to you liking.  The time of reduction is past.  No longer are the labels needed.

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