Why it is Okay to have Question Marks
When someone in my life reminds me of the true nature of my Higher Power’s will, I feel at ease in knowing my life is continuing to progress in a positive direction. I was reminded of my Higher Power’s will for my life recently through the message of someone very dear to me. The message I heard reminded me it is not only important to experience of a sense of completion in life, but it is as well important to receive a sense of validation by those whom I hold intimate. The individuals with whom I form intimacy are mirrors in which I can acknowledge my strengths. I am able to do this by remaining aware of and grateful for their strengths and positive attributes.
I realized since hearing this message through this dear individual that I have been somewhat hiding in my shell recently. Like a turtle startled by a small child who simply wants to offer it love, I realize I have been hiding within my own skin. I have been neglecting what I have worked very hard to achieve: true and genuine intimacy. Facing the idea I have neglected this vital aspect of my life is difficult for me to accept. I have been striving for wellness, health and balance through my personal recovery. I am trying to take on a holistic approach to mind, body and spirit in my day-to-day affairs. I acknowledge in this moment I have relapsed to living in excess recently as opposed to living in true and genuine intimacy. My recent excesses disconnect me with an ability to have true and genuine intimacy.
I feel as if I have acknowledged the areas of my life where excess has overflowed, and I hope this will lead to internal healing. Simple acknowledgement and personal inventory of my daily affairs leads me to come out of hiding because I can no longer deny the fact I am hiding my true and genuine inner-self.
I perceive I have been operating from a mode of self-preservation and protection. I have not been open to risking emotional vulnerability and open-mindedness to new areas of growth in my life. I have been scared to lose what I have gained recently. I am continuing to gain the affection of a very important individual in my life. This newfound source of intimacy feels somewhat fragile to me. I feel as if I must protect myself from experiencing another loss in my life. Perhaps I am experiencing a sense of insecurity, as if perhaps the emotions accompanying this new journey are too good to be true. I have been triggered by the experience of loss and grief in my life recently. I have experienced loss and grief in many forms. These have ranged from changes occurring day-to-day in relationships and a loss of a family member. Past losses have been sprung to life by the grief I am experiencing in the present. It is easy for me to admit I have experienced grief. However, I am somewhat afraid I have not experienced the difficult emotions which accompany grief.
My excesses have been impacting my ability to remain intimate within my personal relationships. I am going to move forward by taking action in my personal recovery. As long as I take action, I have the ability mend the intimacy I cherish within my heart by again attaining wellness and balance in my life. Perhaps one of the first steps to be taken in re-awakening the journey of recovery is to again be emotionally open to the love others have to offer.
Today in my journey of recovery, I have hope I can feel and experience a sense of being complete and validated by intimate relationships. My goal for dual recovery is to experience a sense of completion within the context of intimate relationships. I am striving to be a whole and unique person in a world of infinite diversity. I seek fellowship with the society where I find my vessel, and I hope to experience fulfillment in being a productive, useful member of this society. This goal opens a door to those intimately connected in my life to be a source of validation and hope.
I am blessed to have someone in my life currently I feel walks beside me for reasons which serve a greater purpose. I feel as if through divine intervention, though I don’t necessarily even believe in divine intervention, this individual is leading me somewhere beyond my expectations of potential benefits of living a balanced and whole life in recovery. I sense a new understanding of my inner-self being revealed more and more as I continue to spend time with this individual. I must say I feel as if this person holds a key to new acceptance and new experience of the individual I am within my inner-core. I feel as if aspects of my life are being revealed to me more and more. Perhaps this new awareness is manifesting as a strong life force creating a desire to make changes in the manner in which I approach and live out my life. I am motivated internally to make these changes. It is just time to take action: The third and final word.
I have been somewhat reluctant to open myself up in my new world. I am excited to begin to open the present moment to find what is truly inside. I am going to cease unhealthy actions which cause me to shut down and isolate my soul from others, providing a sense of protection. I am going to open myself so as to be able to give away the love and intimacy I have within my inner-self. I know the time is right.
I want to say something great and big. You know, like “The one truth which stands still before time is (such and such).” I want to have an answer to all the questions in my life. I want to form an ultimate realization that will make any need for protection go away. I feel the need to be somewhat omniscient over myself, as if I must know my every motivation and understand and accept everything about me. I suppose I need to go back to having a few question marks in my life. I do not need to know, understand, and accept everything. In fact, right now, I feel as if I don’t know much of anything. I am going to move toward a place of humility and ask for help from my Higher Power. I am ready to take things one step at a time. I am at the starting line for a new journey in life.