Page created Thursday, February 08, 2007

at 12:18 AM

Push is coming to Shove Again!

Work the First Step

The time has come to get focused again. I am ready. I amoving beyond the preparation stage of change, and I am into action. Some actions, I am finding, hurt inside, but they are for the best. I am doing the best I can today. And that feels good.

I want so much more for my life. I know what I have to do. I have to start my recovery over. I am working on applying the principles of the program in all my affairs. And, for me, the hard part about that is that I have to apply the first step to relationships and the manner in which I approach relationships with everyone in my life. I have to work at giving myself a break by setting healthy limits for myself. It is time for me to look at the mirror and say, Andy, it is time to move forward.

I am being pushed in this direction by God, my Higher Power. It is not a gentle stirring inside that is leading me this way. It is a push. I feel the push, and I am going to go with it because I want to be better. I want to be healthy in all my affairs. I want to be able say to myself, I respect my inside, genuine self for the decisions I have made. I want to be able to look at myself and believe I have done the best I can. I want to look into the crystal ball and see hope. That is all. I want spontaneity back in my life.

I have been cheated on, manipulated, cajoled, and allowed boundaries to be crossed. Perhaps in taking my inventory, I have not focused on my enabling behaviors, my methods of communication which have ineffective, my lack of setting appropriate boundaries, my inability to let go when it is in my best interest.

I want to feel happy, joyous and free in dual recovery. Why not?  Why should I not feel proud of myself to getting to where I am today compared to January 11th, 2000. I have come a long way. And, I have a lot longer of a way to go. I am doing the best I can just for today. I want to feel the freedom again. I want to feel the private relationship with myself which extends to my Higher Power and seeps over to my relations with my fellows. I believe I can achieve this. I believe I can achieve this through focusing on an integrated approach to dual recovery. I need only work one set of the 12 Steps, but  I have to apply them to all areas of my life. I have to. It is up to me.

I feel the urge to purge. I feel the urge to get rid of the negative influences in my life. If I am feeling that urge, perhaps it is God shoving me in some new direction. I need to look into the mirror and see what I see, accept what I see, and work toward the goals which make me whole.

I want to be a whole person again, integrated and complete. I know someone I can call tomorrow who can offer me great suggestions. My day will begin with working with a new sponsee, calling my sponsor, and then reaching out to this person who tells me over and over I can not only lose the desire to use, but I can find a new way to live. I am excited to call this individual. I believe it will yield many positive results.

I have plans for tonight. It is almost midnight, but I think I will put a pot of coffee on and get to work. I can do it. I know I can.

Peace be with you until the next time.

Sincerely, the one who is looking in the mirror and searching for new and better ways to travel,

Andy S. at hope@rainingcolorsdualreccovery.com.

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