Sometimes a Cigar is just a Cigar

I have to admit the blues have me down right now.  I am not feeling very good about myself.  The unfortunate thing about this feeling is that I know the feeling itself will not help me recover myself from this gloom and doom I am in right now.  I know better than to allow myself to feel shame.  However, this time I feel I really deserve the beating I am giving myself.

I want to analyze it.  I want to break it down.  I want to find a solution.  But, the sad aspect of my current process is that I am afraid to look inside myself right now.  I feel as if a monster will jump out and bite me.  I don’t know where the feeling begins or where it ends.  It is simply there, waiting for me to touch it.  Like a tiger, the feeling is crouched waiting to pounce upon any disruption of its deadly silent posture.

I realize in the end, I will find a solution.  Given worst possible outcomes, there will be a solution.  I know there will.  There always is.  I want the solution now.  I am just afraid to acknowledge the problem.

The strange thing about this dilemma is that I am not in denial.  I am readily aware of the dangers of leaving this feeling untreated.  I am readily aware of the difficulties that leaving this feeling untreated could cause me tomorrow when I wake up.  I need to do something about it.

I have these two extremes, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if you will.  Dr. Jekyll is ashamed of who he is, has no feelings of self-worth, and denies any progress he has made in his life.  Then there is Mr. Hyde who feels wonderful about himself, is spontaneous and free flowing, and values his assets as if they were precious gold.  I tend to live in one extreme or the other.  Right now, I am Dr. Jekyll.  I am the dirt on the floor that has been swept under the rug. 

How do I pull myself from out under the rug and bring myself to life again.  I suppose the way my sponsor has taught me is to utilize my assets.  I have them even if I don’t believe in them right now.  I have coping skills that I can put into place such as distraction, communication with supportive people, and reading literature.  I have a personal program of recovery which I can apply to my life.  Obviously, working the First Step may be vital to where I am right now.  I surrender.  I surrender to win.  I seek help.  I utilize the help, and I let go.  I take stock of myself.  And on the journey goes.  I need to apply these Steps, though, if I am going to work my personal program of recovery.

I want so badly to dismiss my emotions as unnecessary aspects of life which need to be overcome.  That is to say, I would like to dismiss the difficult emotions.  I know better than that.  I am aware of how emotions are telling me something very important.  I need to listen to my emotions.  I need to work with my emotions rather than suppress or work against them.  I can learn how to change things which are not working so well in my life.  I can develop motivation to change those things which are not working so well by listening to my emotions.  Motivation to change is vital to improving the quality of life.

I feel like so much time has passed in trying to find solutions to problems as they arise.  I guess one of these days I would like to walk down a red carpeted alley and pass through a stage in order to receive my graduation certificate.  I realize inside that this ideal is unrealistic.  Life presents ongoing problems and difficulties which must be acknowledged, addressed, and dealt with in order to find solutions.  I guess I am looking for a break at this point in my life.

I also need to remember what Sigmund Freud said: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”  Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling.  Sometimes a mistake is just a mistake.  Sometimes a maladaptive way of coping is just a maladaptive way of coping.  There doesn’t have to be any analysis in order to change these things, sometimes.  Sometimes, all it takes is action.  I suppose, right now, I am ready to take action.

I am going to live in the middle of the extremes of my life.  I am going to indulge, not be anorexic and not overindulge.  I am going to feel positive about myself, not filled with self-hatred and self-pity and not unrealistically grandiose in my views of my abilities.  I am going to live a balanced life.  I am going to thrive in the skin I find my moment to be in the present.  I am going to let go.

I cannot be the perfect person I envision in an ideal world.  I can be me, with strengths and limitations, assets and liabilities, working toward a solution to problems and difficulties as they arise.  I am ready to try again.  I am out from under the rug.  I am slowly standing again on my two feet.  I am facing the reality before me.  I am working with that reality.

What a relief to know my sponsor was right.  I am utilizing assets which a little while I ago I didn’t even believe I had within me.  The good new is that even though I may not see those assets sometimes, they are still there.  They are waiting for me to pick them up and put them to good use.

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