At Least I’m enjoying the Ride
or
“What do you think I’m trying to do? Let me make my mistakes on my own.”
Self-imposed existential crises aren’t really worth the trouble. Are they? They do seem to pay off by creating new patterns of behavior, but I suppose existential crises themselves have become a pattern of life sometimes. You know, like hey, what I am REALLY doing here? What is this world REALLY made of? What is the point, REALLY?
Really seems to be a common theme when I question my existence, purpose, and place here. I suppose this has to do with my need to test reality. I know I do not feel I have control over reality. Reality just is. Sometimes, I guess I just need to question reality.
I suppose the best I can do is to keep reality simple.
My biggest challenge to enjoying the moment is in allowing myself to feel my emotions without creating shame about the process of feeling my emotions. I become so obsessed about the manner in which I experience emotions that I beat myself up for hours after experiencing strong emotions. Poor little old me likes to think I am in this world alone, that I am the only one who experiences emotions like I do. That gets me on the pity pot the quickest. No one experiences emotions like I do, do they? I know they don’t. It is just me. I know better than this. I have learned about the danger of shame. Shame sets me up to not enjoy the ride. Shame sets me up to go on a downward spiral quicker than any self-defeating behavior ever could. I want to live free of shame, remorse and regret.
So, I suppose the time is here to change the manner in which I think in my present reality. Perhaps it would help if I challenge my thoughts that create barriers to experiencing my emotions. I want to challenge the committee which tells me to push my emotions aside, don't feel them, they are scary I am tired of being cautious with myself. I am tired of monitoring my every thought, emotion, and behavior so as to wear me down to the point that I become exhausted and broken. It is time to relax, give myself a break, and enjoy the ride.
Life is really not that hard. Values shape the moment. Dynamic application of values and conscious awareness of the goal within the moment is the key to enjoying the ride and experiencing forward momentum. And this forward movement usually happens naturally. Why when I experience emotions do I end up experiencing the need to re-wire the way I feel?
So as I sit with conclusion drawn by hand, I wonder: What comes next? Well, I guess I don’t have to know. All I know is that I now surrender to the moment. I surrender to win. And in giving up power, I gain a new quality of life I have longed to hold dear. What a relief to finally be at a place in life to enjoy the ride. I suppose you get the idea now.
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