I know what I want out of working the 12 Steps in relation to my dual disorder. I want to be happy, joyous, and free. I want a new way of life. I want to be able to not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I want to be free of any obsession to use intoxicating drugs and free of symptoms of my psychiatric and emotional illness. Therefore, I am motivated to pursue the 12 Steps.
I have utilized my recommitment to Step 3 many since turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. I have learned better how to let go. I am no longer fearful of letting go, but sometimes I find myself hanging on to my will despite my desire to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. I guess this is why I have to, and is not a choice, complete Step 4 fearlessly and thoroughly..
My sponsor has suggested the key to freedom from active addiction is to look into my self-centered fears. I believe this to be true of my symptoms of my psychiatric and emotional illness as well. When I am fearful, I am more likely to experience symptoms, and when I am experiencing symptoms of my psychiatric illness, I am not happy, joyous, or free. I want therefore to inventory, as suggested, my self-centered fears that disallow me from following the guidance of a power greater than myself. I want to turn over my will and life to the care of my Higher Power, and in order to do this I need to complete Step 4.
One of my spiritual advisors, my first sponsor, has suggested that those who do not complete Step Four put themselves at risk for going back out and experimenting with their efforts to control their use of alcohol and other intoxicating drugs. I do not want to put myself in the danger of this situation. So, I ask myself, why am I procrastinating on doing actual writing on this Step?
I believe it has to do with self-will run riot. I have been running on self-will for the past two weeks. I have not been nourishing my whole my whole recovery. That is to say, I have missed parts of a holistic approach to recovery. I have not rested well, in part due to my air conditioner malfunctioning. As well, my eating habits have not been normal. My obsession with computer applications has sky rocketed, and I have spent most of my time at my new computer. I believe it is time to get back in balance with my dual recovery.
I have experienced symptoms of mania with spending too much. I have experienced symptoms related to depression associated with resentments, and I am having a hard time letting go. I am obsessed with my new career path, moving toward an associates degree in Web Graphics Design. I have been preparing to look for work, which is positive, but I have been unemployed and dependent on my mother for over eight months now. I will have amends to make. I know even during my six years and ten months of solid recovery prior to relapse, I caused harm to others.
Barriers having to do with self-will are keeping me from completing a Fourth Step inventory. Barriers such as focusing on my new career opportunities to the exclusion of recovery are getting in the way. Barriers such as attending to self-centered tasks are keeping me from completing my Fourth Step. These self-centered tasks include trying to maintain a relationship which I seem to be having to work hard at maintaining. Perhaps if I weren't running on self-will, I would be better able to turn this relationship over to the care of the God of my understanding.
I am stable psychiatrically even though I may be somewhat out of balance. I am not experiencing active symptoms of my dual disorder. I am being self-centered through my fears of completing my Fourth Step. I need to get in touch with my sponsor and Higher Power and let them know where I am Just for Today. It is important for me to stay connected as I work the Fourth Step.
I know the Fourth Step can be done so many ways. There a plethora of ways to attack it, so to say. I just need to choose my source of help and use it. I need to commit to working the Fourth Step. Commitment, courage, and perseverance are some important spiritual principles when it comes to working the Fourth Step for me. I know. I have been here before. Perhaps this is a barrier unto itself.
Overcoming barriers is where the strength of the Fellowship comes into play. I need to have the wisdom to know I can overcome the barriers. This will lead to faith in my abilities as guided by my Higher Power to complete Step Four in a searching and fearless way.
One thing. That is all I need to do today. And that one thing for me is to focus on the solution to my Dual Recovery.