When Action Ain't Happening

Page updated Sunday, July 6, 2008 12:11 PM

Have you even had one of those periods in your life where you all you want to do is take action, but everything keeps pushing you back. Even your self-will stops you in your trakes, takes over, and you are pushed backward?.

I have tried and tried to take action since I quit relapsing December 31, 2006. I have tried to take action despite being pushed back. And,.yet, to my dismay, I keep finding myself or outside forces pushing me back. I know I have a choice as how to respond to these outside forces, but my internal coping skills are weak enough right now that I don't seem to be able to contend with the pressure these outside forces exert.

I acknowledge that I am projecting here. I am projecting my lack of action onto something outside of myself. I am responsible for my recovery. No one else is. Not even the God of my understanding. If you find me projecting, stop me, and tell me to take my inventory, not everyone else's. Then, I can find the solution I have been looking for to bring me to centeredness and peace.

I have the chance for a fresh start. Not everyone has a chance for a fresh start. I do. Currently, I am between jobs, have some steady financial income, and have people around me who love me and care for me. Yet, my inner-forces of self-destruction are taking over. I want more than anything to rise to the occasion, to over come, to beat the challenge. I want more than anything to come out ahead, simply by being happy, joyous and free. And sometimes, I see people in such denial of their true situations, it makes me wonder why I can't deny my true situation to just get by day to day. But, I want to do more than just get by. I want to thrive. So, therefore, I am not going into denial.

To describe a little about where I am right not in my life, to get caught up with you, the reader, I am awake at 5:45 am drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and watching a video by the grateful dead. This is my comfort zone. I am at peace. I have rested well after beating myself to death at the casino two nights ago. You see, I became addicted to pain medication following surgery on August 23, 2006, and I had ensuing compications lasting until November 23, 2006. I continued to take pain medication despite not needing it. I was addicted again. I relapsed.

I had six years or so of recover before the surgery, and my new recovery date is December 31, 2006, where I was at a 12 Step Fellowship New Year's Eve convention. I found the obsession and compulsion to keep taking the pain medication overwhelming. Now, I am finding the obsession and compulsion to gamble overwhelming. All I have done is create a substitute. It hasn't helped in the slightest. Of course, it is working against me. I want to take action, but the emptiness I feel, inside, is too overwhelming. There I go sitting on the pity pot. If you find me on the pity pot, tell me to get my butt off it and go do something positive.

I want my gentleness back. I want my peacefulness back. I want to be clean of all alcohol and drugs, gambling, porn, etc. I know it is possible to have inner-peace and calm, and I know I have had these qualities before. I just have to take action.

And, taking actions seems to be the hardest thing for me right now.  I want to take action in all areas of my life. I recently received a reply from my aunt who had taken a look around around some of my web sites. She commented on how she hoped I was doing better, etc. It meant a lot to me because she took the action to reach out to me. It meant a lot to me because she took the time to peruse some of my web sites. There is a lot there. And, I hope and pray it only grows.

It is people who reach out like my aunt did that help me desire to be clean and clear. I want to take action so I can reach out to others and not be so caught in self-centeredness. I have all I need in this world. Now, all I need to do is take action,. Action is the key to happiness.

Yes, this is an early morning article. But, I hope it inspires me to start using my computer again rather than wasting my time in casinos and being in bed. I am ready for a new day. I am ready for a day full of wonder and enlightenment. I am ready to get in touch with my the God of my understanding.

God's speed be with you. Don't forget to visit Raining Colors studio or simply go home to Raining Colors Dual Recovery. Peace be with you.